This weeks Best Joke

Bankstown Tafe Exam
EXAM START
1. If Mario fits a monster tacho to his TE Gemini, how much quicker will it go down the quarter mile along Bexley Road on Friday night?
2. If Stella (who is 26) is only allowed to go out for 8 hours on a weekend and on Friday night she goes out with her 14 cousins to DCMs for 5 hours, how long can she go to Norton St for a coffee on Sunday night?
3. Mohammed has 7 children and gets $600 a week from Social Security, if he goes to the TAB and puts half of it on a donkey in the 5th race at Warwick Farm that's paying 22 to 1 because Ali says it's a fix, how many stolen car stereos does he need to sell when the horse fails to finish?
4. Jim has just got a big payout from workcover for a bad back, does he:
A: spend the money on a holiday back home to Greece
B: use the money to put Doric columns in his Earlwood house verandah
C: go to the casino and try to double it.
5. George is going to the underage disco on Saturday. Will he get in easier if he wears his Kappa tracksuit or his Adidas tracksuit?
6. Mario and his mates are going cruising in Brighton Le Sands on Friday night, how many stone chips will his car get if he doesn't fit his car bra?
7. How much quicker will Ali's VK Commodore go if he fits the stolen VL turbo badge on it and shifts the number plate to the side so it looks like he's running an intercooler?
8. From how far can you hear Ricky Martin being played in Rocky's Hyundai Excel, if he has just fitted 2,500 watt amps and twin 15 inch subwoofers?
9. Habib want to go to Embassy nightclub on Saturday night. How many cousins
does he need to take with him in case he gets thrown out and wants to fight the bouncers?
10. Farouk's mates are going down to Maroubra Beach for the day. How much gel will he need to take with him if he goes into the water for a swim and still wants to look cool for Maslins later?
11. How many chicks does Jimmy need to say he scored on the weekend if he wants to sound cool to his work mates at the panel beater's on Monday?
12. Spiro has got a big date on Saturday and wants to look ripped in his skin tight lycra top. How much will he need to bench press at the gym on Friday night?
13. Part A: Nick's 6 mates want to go down to Wiley Park McDonalds in his VK Calais 5.0 ltr. How much petrol money does he need to get off each guy if he's running a 3000rpm stall and 4.11 diff ratio?
Part B: If they cruise down Canterbury Road how many times will they get called bloody wogs?
Part C: On the way, how many drags will they have against Falcons?
14. Who should Maria go out with this weekend if:
A: George is a DJ and drives a Gemini with fake supercharger inlets
B: Mario works for his Father's concreting company and drives an XF ute with a big block and Pioneer sound system
C: John who's unemployed but can get drink cards at Rivas nightclub
15. If Con works at Franklins at Fairfield, how much overtime will he need to do to pay Ali the delivery driver for the sickmate 18inch Simmons wheels he just scored?
16. Part A: Nguyen's parents just bought him a brand new Honda Civic. He has $2000 to spend on after-market parts for his car. What should he buy:
A: A full 4inch stainless exhaust with a turbo tip
B: 18 inch Zepter chromed wheels and 25 series tyres
C: A rear Nascar wing
D: A Mugen racing sticker pack
Part B: How many stuffed toys should he glue to the dashboard:
A: less than 10
B: More than 10
C: More than 20
Part C: How much quicker will the car go if he colour codes the mirrors, the brake rotors and windscreen wipers?
17. Mick wants to put either a Jim Beam sticker or a Porn Star sticker on his Torana. Which one will get him more roots?
18. If Gianni chops the springs in his parent's new VX Commodore, how many times a week will he get hassled by the cops if he puts 90% tinting on the windows as well?
19. How much better will George's stereo system sound if he puts an Alpine sticker on the back window of his Bluebird?
20. Part A: Voula from Eastlakes shares a room with her 3 older sisters. How much will she need to bribe her sisters if she wants to sneak out and go to the Plaka Bar on Saturday night?
Part B: How many times a week does her father need to unblock the sink in the bathroom?
21. Rosa wants to upgrade her phone from an Ericsson to a Nokia because they are much cooler. Which one should she go, for the 8250 or the 8210?
22. It's nearly summer and Guido, 19, is worried about the hair growing on his back. Should he:
A: Shave it
B: Wax it
C: Get electrolysis like his sister
D: Leave it because his mates say chicks dig hairy men
23. Pina's parents just bought a new lounge room suite. How long does the plastic stay on it?
A: 1 year
B: 2 years
C: Never comes off
24. Enzo wants to drop a burnout at Ashfield Maccas. How many RPM will he need to get to before he drops the clutch if his fat cousin is in the back seat?
25. Part A: Vince is going to Embassy on long weekend Sunday night. How tight will his new hipster pants have to be so that the door person won't check his ID?
Part B: How much Kouros aftershave should he wear?
26. Ali's friend just bought a pro stock Gemini that pulls 13 second quarters with a stock 1.6 ltr engine. How many gauges does he need to complement the 4inch exhaust he has just hose clamped to the old 1.75 inch system:
A: 2
B: 3
C: 4 or more.
27. Part A: Khalid wants to look like a homeboy from LA. Does he wear his cap backwards or forwards when he goes to George Street on Friday night?
Part B: How low does he need to wear his pants?
28. If Soula leaves school at 14 to be become a beauty therapist, how long will she need to work before she saves enough money to go on a holiday to Greece?
29. How long does it take Fadi and his mates to strip a hot Subaru WRX?
30. If Azzurri loses this weekend in the soccer, how many car windows will be smashed after the match?
31. Con and his mates are going to the Kick Boxing fight at the Casino. How many fights will they try and start in the line to Plaka afterwards?
Bonus Questions:
32. How many Holden Commodores are there in Campbelltown?
33. How many guys named Wayne are there in Campbelltown?
34. How many guys named Wayne are in Campbelltown that drive Commodores?
END OF EXAM

20 WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST by Rich Hall 1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) --adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. 2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) --adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. 3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) --n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear). 4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) --n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals. 5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) --n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected. 6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) --n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 7. DIMP (dimp) --n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?" 8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') --v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs. 9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) --n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror. 10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) --n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit. 11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) --n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) --n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. 13. FRUST (frust) --n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) --n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side. 15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) --n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life. 16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') --n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. 17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) --adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet. 18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) --n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) --n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it 20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) --n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.